Monday, December 21, 2009

Mindspill: Own Up

The feeling that I'm fuckin up,
fallin down, dreaming king before the crown,
trying to balance the scale of name and claim,
the root of my effort is to blame, what is of worth for it,
a fear of going all in and still coming up with nothing,
but I have nothing as I'm here in the middle,
within clutches but keeps slipping, so that means I'm trying,
right? more like fright,
I finally get my chance at bat and I freeze up? Not like me,
so what's the problem?
Acknowledging it is just like me, it's how I operate,
getting by without having to go all in, scared of my own devastation
to a notion of who I think I am,
so that if it doesn't fall through it's only because I just didn't go all in,
but not that
I wasn't good enough.
The real fear, and so arrogant.
Lord, forgive me.

"Do you really want to win or just look good losing?" - Phonte

Friday, December 18, 2009

My Bad!

I know it's been a minute, just got a little busy in my professional life (or lack thereof lol). I'm going to get this back on track very soon. Lataz.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Mindspill: Deterred to Move

it's said to be great is to be misunderstood..
..well I'm feeling pretty fucking incredible

this feeling, this falling from grace,
this void in my space, brings tears to my face,
what I know and what I feel are far too different,
the adequacy in my being waning as I take my
drive of shame back to my beginning,
all the while feeling to the point of knowledge,
I deserved it,
the age I am times the age I feel divided by
my attempts to keep my head up-from the sheer
embarrassment of my predicament plus,
the energy I put into just getting that far,
equals up to "a shame", the square root of shame
being..did I really do the best I could have?
would it have mattered?
Oh there's not many things comparing with the feeling of failure,
this pain can't be lost, a venom that must run it's course,
I ache!
my relationships feel different, displaced
as if she sees the shame I feel yet can't share, because I don't want to subject her to a man,
torn from his ambition because he doesn't yet quite understand Him,
my discontent reaches through my system,
taking seige of organ and muscle until they are sore and depressed,
as if placed in an event they weren't qualified to test,
so I fall back into my region of rest,
but internal unrest is stress-ful when you know you're the best,
so back at it I go, to brave to say no? Or just too scared to see things further unfold?


Mindspill: Humble's Torture - Self

*I'm very critical of myself*

in the dark recesses of the mind
the thoughts you can't help and all wrong in design,
criminal, ill-spiritual, proportions near biblical,
the daily battle for what qualifies as sane,
Socially Acceptable Normally Eclectic,
Prosthetic, but it has its uses,
the sanctified mace of the good fight, swings for justice?
or just us, maybe one in the same,
or dies that determine who's purpose I actively work to attain,
and by who's standard am I judged? Trick question
how fake am I and truth I am is,
the truth hurts, but to be honest with yourself?
Mellow or apathetic, the reason I have to "get it"
why or what this pride, the anger it spawns, the dissatisfaction,
what standard does pride hold me to? How does it measure me,
projecting my trick as a mirror image, opposite but obvious
did I learn to flip it back so that I envision it right?
I find ways to close my world because then I can measure it,
I'm supposed to fight that, is that why I leave?
in hopes of being humbled I never grow too conceited,
to find newer opposition I can sink my teeth in?
scared to become full of myself, but I am... ish,
denounced for such prominence, preferring fair over dominance
but look at and past the world thinking should I change
I'm already full of myself to me, so to others that I refuse to convey
it's not that my will is feeble, it's just inner conflict never leaves you,
like it knows better ...or of it


Mindspill: Priority

*Subject matter is the same for the poem "The Venting". (Old) Was still addressing my frustration in the situation*

Some women I just don't understand, you
married man, how you find so much time to talk to me,
especially at night, I don't fall for them traps,
I don't go far at all, like I'm say "be with me",
I don't want you, and I don't fuck wit marriage at all,
if you only got wit dude cuz you figured we wouldn't be,
that's stupid, cuz you've reached out to me more since you got married than ever before,
8 months of nothing, to at least 15 text a week, and of course
the latter of those is when you sportin a ring, and when the fam's in need
you call me, and that's fine, but when we speak on family or money,
why I gotta tell you ya husband is top priority?

Mindspill: Prelude to Memories

*pure spill, after this I started recording my memories from as far back as I could, those memories aren't in this post because it's very ..very long, and only up to age 7. Not near as old as the others, maybe a year or so ago*

vibin out to JS III,
stuck between my mind and my heart,
between being responsible to potential and being true to my feelings,
if i follow my heart, great happiness will come, but I know there's a pain to come..
that would perhaps challenge the worth of making that decision in the first place
if i am responsible, no real pain comes from it, not nearly as much joy,
but i will always wonder, but for the same reason that i may never see them again
and that hurts.

"sometimes people are put in your life for a season"
that doesn't necessarily mean that they weren't worth their time there in the first place
even good experiences can be there for a season, perhaps to remind you there's still good in the world,
or let you know that better is out there, and possible to attain

I say "thank you Lord" everytime I see 333.


(Doubt I'll post the memories anytime soon but I'll prolly put them together then put it out)

Mindspill: Deep Rooted

*Another recovered joint thats quite old. Seems I was dealing with myself in this one, very erratic ..definitely a mindspill, unfinished, and I didn't edit it at all*

inner anger
in my head
amidst my thoughts
deep rooted
my chest hurts
i cry on the inside
in this small frame thrives much chaos
and i know it, and i do my damn best to keep it controlled,
so i speak gently, i have quiet tendencies,
i'm afraid to see what would come of it if i were to just let go,
i remember being encouraged to let myself go, because it was who i truly was,
but i don't believe that's the case, i am who i am, and have been, for a long time,
from what i've seen in my time, the recklessness of uncontrolled actions,
mainly in negative forms, ends in death, period.
Notice I didn't necessarily say my own.
You'll see me, I'm laughing, mellow, pleasant,
and those emotions are true, i feel that way,
but there is a miasma of chaos that stirs within me,
so once confrontation presents itself, that miasma begins to "leak" out,
my eyes naturally show my pain, a melancholy, even in happiness,
hard to control, sometimes all i can do is weaken myself to control it,
it comes out in tears, shaking, very slow and concise speech,
having to find a means to meditate, and keep my mind calm,
music, the intricate sequence of sounds, spirits, and feeling, has done such,
because of it, i connect to it in less than normal ways, there can be the faintest sound within a song, that grasps my mind and pulls me with its rhythm,
a song can scream, cry, laugh, sing, in ways i cannot, but i can express myself in ways songs cannot, so i do both...
i feel most in myself when i sing, i have so much respect for those that do, to be able to release yourself in such a way, to be able to scream even, i love bjork,
i found my peace in music before i realized it was God's way of holding me, then in writing and singing, then finally in dancing

i'm timid yet tired of taming myself,


Mindspill: The Let Go

*An incomplete mindspill from years ago. I think this was during a breakup I had. I recovered some old joints off my old laptop that's been out of commission for like a year lol*

Moving on versus letting go,
seems there's a difference,
one can leave you slow and with your infactuation,
the other simply allows you to be able to move faster,
now which does what? i can give you a clue,
it only seems there's a difference, the two said can do both,
your infactuation can hold you back or slow you down,
and you can get nowhere fast,
but when the right balance of the two is made,
progress starts again at last

The point is growth,
dwelling in the past,
whether pleasant or not,
you're missing out on the present,
and in case you forgot
your present is where you are,
but you'll wonder how you got there if you dwelled too hard

growth isn't negative or positive,
its meaning in itself at least,
it is a part of life, but very impressionable upon one's effort,
you have a great deal of impact on how you grow,
and your surroundings impact it to a lesser extent,
always .....growing,

It spawns from the most fruitful to the most barren of places, and these "places" can be anything


(May expand on these at some point.. may not, just posting)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Poem: Hazed Moonlight

Frustration with the belittle of the onward struggle,
an interference, intrusion of my inner peace bubble,
my vision for the ease of things that can easily be,
for the mission of doing the impossible on probability,
I spill out my mind just address words to note,
pad out my records just aloud for you to sing the quotes,
perhaps my tongue was too sharp when I spoke,
but the point was less involved than your mind's ballot vote,
it's not something to change, I don't want you to,
it's too small to strain, my angst varied upon is moot,
loosened and used, the weight is acute,
these words breach aura only in search of the truth,
mind you the point of micromanaging it's minute,
so sing for me like you already do, please don't be mute,
the woodwind's aligned, I'm just learning to play the flute,
So to the moon I look, and watch it play the strings of my vitals,
and I'll kiss the surface when I praise it's recitals..


Monday, August 31, 2009

Poem: Larceny (STC)

That whole time sittin, thinkin wars of attrition,
i know how little things can have affect on the mission,
politic'n sucks but know it has a place for your winning,
listen, forced attention get the Riddlin for riddling,
Perco-poppin set trippin the living I'm envisionin
Benjamin's, not for the wastin but for the chasing,
your interest, your shoe-in goals I want to help the lacing,
I got a peek at possible disappointment I'm facing,
cuz I thought it'd never be ignored, effort I was placing,
you had to see all my moves were for your benefit,
but i was disregarded, it made me sick in it,
so should it come to business I'll be forced to be indifferent,
as far as friendship nah there's no de-enlistment,
just had to express this pain I'm left with,
I don't have many petpeeves in mind,
but you struck a nerve of mine,
I hate most when one wastes my time,
mostly unapologetic, insult to injury,
tried to show heart caught a stamp marked "fool to me",
effort again thwarted locked in irony's scrutiny,
but up to me, punishment's gluttony,
the issue being bigger than this instancy,
but reminds rewind-memories of energy,
lost in infancy, to yield into the work it's susposed to be,
but didn't, latency, never transmitted in it's usary,
time stolen, larceny, should be a felony.


Sunday, August 30, 2009

Mindspill: Reality vs Idealism (1)

So, I've been noticing the change of family sitcoms over time ... and it really breaks down to >idealism vs realism< to me...seems with the change of things such as the emphasis on "reality" (tv shows especially) things have taken a bitter look at life turning away from what the ideal characteristics of what things should or would be nice to be, to just accepting the current situation and not strive to improve it in a holistic means, such as teamwork or as a family.

Didnt you ever wonder where the Family Matters type shows went? It's like our culture as a whole gave up on ideals because it took too much work to uphold, or maybe reality weighed down the hope on being better as a whole due to so many examples of the opposite, and not only that, the negative aspects were profitable, honored even. So people followed suit to potentially "live better" or just couldn't conceive of if the ideal lost complete touch with what was going on.

What I think is the issue is that people thought they themselves weren't responsible for upholding the ideal and it was just dropped like a good habit. Then, the "ideal" became less marketable. People didn't strive to be a Family Matters fam cuz they couldn't relate immediately due to focus on materialistic aspects of the presented ideal's disposition (our culture has a short enough attention span as it is). They have a house, living in a decent neighborhood, and so on. People forgot or became distracted to strive for this, but interpret wrong like if they aren't living like this now, then this show's not for you.

I hope at some point we can remember the good in the ideal, it helped to shape morals and make better decisions. All people have now is "For the Love of " and whatever other "reality" shows. Even the family sitcoms, like House of Paine, have a sense of jadedness even when thought to uphold the "ideal" by stacking a religious preset or 'victim of circumstance' excuse on top of it. Why can't people just be portrayed as upholding good (ideal) qualities without attributing their good will to personal beliefs like religion (for the record I consider myself a Christian and giving God the glory, but if people aren't raised to believe in themselves to be able to give a positive impact even on a small level then what can they do?).

Personally, I'm ready for the next Cosby show, and the viewed Obama family dynamic is assisting in that. So I think we're going in a better direction. But we have a long way to go and a lot of responsibility to ourselves and future to resume. ..Ok, I think I'm done for now. I have a feeling I will be directed to this idea again. Thanks for reading.


Mindspill vs Poem??

I'm sure anyone that has seen my posts they follow certain identification methods, often enough consisting of "Mindspill" or a "Poem". Even with this, I'm sure you may have noticed some Mindspills which could qualify as poems. Here's the main difference:

A poem of mine was made to be one from it's inception. I had a poem in mind when I started writing. A mindspill is self explanatory but sometimes during the thought I want to present I begin adding the attributes of a poem to it, but it's more about the idea than the presentation. So a mindspill may or may not rhyme but will illustrate a central theme. My poems often span a number of ideas or situations that I'm presenting at once, as a poem.

Hope that helped clear things up even a little bit.

Thanks for viewing!


Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Mindspill: Mind-World Shrinking

Everything around us playing field leveler, distance matters less over time,
lines of communication open, covering much more ground,
you can reach anyone, damn near anytime can be found,
tracked by the sky, dependent on the virtual eyes,
less effort in living, as if that makes things easier,
so from the carrier pigeon to the text message,
instant gratification, no seen cost to leverage,
but conversation has flattened to basics,
subpar memes in constricted means,
undermining our intelligent themes,
how to live without the innovation,
by innovating new emancipation,
freedom from the condensing,
resist the lost's convincing,
morse code remorse,
only more 'shorts',
we need recourse,
or end recluse,
save our soul,
free our 'us',
Don't let the world reduce your ability to express openly and intelligently.


Monday, August 24, 2009

Mindspill: Restricted Reason

Such a strange place to be in,
between, in between, can't intervene
I am the inner means to an end and I can't act the scene,
silence is golden because there is no constructive meme,
it's sad because I'm the bad good guy, Dark Knight'n it,
fightin it, but know it's for everyone's best interest,
to grow and let go, or overdose the torment I self-invest,
endless apology released to the air, unfair,
and life is still a beach chair, ...heh chea,
but be clear, I take darts from all sides,
I'll bleed for it, fine,
more concerned for one's comfort than their pride,
yet again, I'm stuck with what's inside,
communing my divide, from issues I'd continue to let slide,
always express yourself, your gifts' divine, and necessary for your health,
and I've compromised mine, for many, for me,
yes that's a problem, but I'm not the only,
no man's an island but mentally by my lonely, preferably
so what does that make me..
..selfish, so I'm bound to my hardened shell like a crawfish
but just to seal the bleeding, I'll let them others judge,
I tempered the shell for the gavel, during the blows I'll mind travel,
to a place where each ill would unravel, all better again,
love endured, where all reach their goals moved forwardly,
and hope they see why I took punishment's gluttony..


Friday, August 21, 2009

Poem: Ascension

Where I sit, time looks over my left shoulder,
Embroider, "A-s-c-e-n-d-e-d Soldier",
Perseverance through interference, hate and the pain,
Don't mind outside I have a new appreciation for rain,
In keeping my sane, prayer to ward my spiritual's bane,
Awarded in life with every breath I take in this plane,
In my heart they all rest, the friends and family slain,
In the struggle through all this we claim,
The world has changed and nothing left is sacred,
All you have is yourself, everything else is tainted,
A new mind state is painted, business and war, all alike,
Get them before they get you, the preemptive counterstrike,
Take all you can, because there isn't much left,
Be it "time" or "mine", delayed grat's been put on the shelf,
Chilvary is dying, by the hands of those it was designed for,
Children are crying, from medication and neglect,
Prices are climbing, man's worth is the same as a digging tool, so
Workers are mining, to unearth their diamond to retire,
So they'll tire again, fire pressure to mold that coal,
Whether it's bloody and splotched, conflicted or not,
We reached the next phase, but it's a cycle,
Darwinism lives, even in the Information Age,
How ironic yet so common that we "elevate" our Psyche,
Yet reduce ourselves so scarcely,
Cupids loving our princess, Intelligence,
Won't comprise for the Soul, 'cause it won't make the Reader's Digest,
Winter has a place in the seasons for a reason,
We're not meant to constantly have and gain,
"Just because you can get it?" nah, learn to refrain,
Surplus is convenient, but now the sources are strained,
I'm not saying "don't prosper", nah earn/receiving is good,
Put with no giving then there's no moderation attained,
No need to complain, there's far more wealth contained in your spirit,
So be sure to take more time to replenish and work on any blemish,
When you do you're pursuing Him, worth the while once you're finished,
But the simplicity is diminished, temptation runs wild,
With attention spans as stretched as the clouds,
All the while we work to make the family proud,
We yell out loud, LORD HELP ME, yet so stealthy,
Too cute to need Him in public, that's mad unhealthy,
We have to humble ourselves, only then the truth we'll find,
Our appeal and skills stem not from man but a different kind,
Spiritual gifts and blessings, God made me lyrically inclined,
Truly I don't fully understand it, what he completely designed,
'He' sends in signs, elusive, left fielded, and come from behind,
Perhaps it's divine intervention interrupting my mind,
In all that I'm saying this ain't me, it's His glory,
He blessed and adorned me with a vast testimony,
People are cutthroat when you expose your heart,
Prosthetics beat in they chest, ignoring your art,
If you're slow in the start, press on, you'll get the momentum,
Obstacles, don't fear 'em, ascend them, you'll strengthen,
Commend Him, when feelin, the symptoms, of "victim",
Uplifting, contending, the being, of Legion,
Defending, the clearing, you're winning, envision,
The soul now fit and the mind amending,
Why fear it? the end's coming since the beginning,
So from the heart never forget who awaits us above,
That's why Truth is apparent in real Love, wait,
That's why Truth is apparent in real Love, hear me!

Family, how are you feeling?
I just hope this attempt at free-dumb is heard,
People are stuck in the rut of their own mind states,
And suffocating themselves, going brain dead, checkmate,
If you're in school, remember why you're there,
Accept that you're going to change, but you don't have to lose yourself,
Try not to get so caught up in everything around you all the time,
I know society isn't meant for us to live right,
But to the good in your own soul you have to hold tight,
When "living in the moment" you tend to close your eyes, no sight focus,
Don't forget you were given mind and vision for a reason,
Control where you move and let God show you the path,
Herd yourself, and those that don't have the sight you hold,
Thwart lies, seek truth, at least sometimes, do what you can,
We're all human, sounds good to preach, but it's harder to reach,
But don't let that keep you from trying,
People are working hard, and taking steps in their lives to move forward,
Respect it, and do the same if you aren't one of them,
You won't have the time to hate on others if you're working on yourself,
A journey we all are on, and I love all of ya'll,
Keep pushing on until God sends his call.


Mindspill: Another of Thoughts (2007)

(These thoughts have poured in since about 4:30pm 7/5)

In my room, fresh out the shower, tv on, no signal ..just white noise
my day off, mind racing,
the thoughts floating in my head with aimless travel,
taunting me,
beckoning me to put them (well me) in order,
so frustrated that I couldn't focus, a vicious cycle,

Remix asked if I was prepared for rain
I was thinking am I afraid of pain
both questions answered in one word, No (at least not anymore).
And yes, there's a problem with that,

I wondered why things would fall apart,
the license, the car, the present future, the present past
trying to stay upbeat, cuz "I got time"
sweet sweet procrastination merged with my sense of content (honesty to self)
but Time has my body, and my body holds my mind,
I have the concept, but I'm late in making it into matter,
so even in my mind's infinite promise, there's still an expiration date

make me want you, make me miss you
make me wonder where you are, then forget you...
almost forgot who I was a few times,
coupled with so many inner struggles between His right and my will,
being human versus pursuing Him,
and I'm so human man!...God I am,
Your patience guides most my action because it is not mine alone,
even when my human thoughts and emotions selfishly disagree,
You still shield me from (human) me from others,

thank God I'm still me, thank You for keeping me, the prayer works,
and thank you (all) for impacting me,

my seasons have meshed and now are out of sequence, (appraisal of self)
the summer day gives free heat yet I'm in my winter phase,
i'm a tree with a few brown leaves in spring time.
i need to prune myself now, place some things in order,
some things need be cut off, denari to let go(thanks Curt) some things taken in,
decreasing, concentrating, centralizing, strengthening, solidifying,
making my growth more efficient to flourish in,

then ..that white noise channeled my thoughts
as I rest in my room the thoughts fall into place,
the rain came as asked, but I hadn't prepared my fields for good harvest on good faith,
thank God for letting me see, even if I missed the opportunity
but I keep track of the weather,
and I'll be able to smell the rain coming,
so next time I'll be ready


sometimes things fall apart to fall into place,
for your growth,
the purpose of the seasons is to strengthen and make new, to grow
each individual season has its special role,
to make new, to maintain, to decrease, to test vitality,
though some are prefered more than others,
they are all needed
and my actions (and lack of) have set me back,
but even that was needed for me,
growth is good,
but now I'm about efficiency.

"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. For mine own sake, even for mine own sake, will I do it: for how should my name be polluted? and I will not give my glory unto another."

I hope to eventually be refined and chosen like that (it's a long while coming), but man this furnace is hot.

(damn..just finished, gotta be at work in 3 hrs, but I had to get this out of me)

Mindspill: Thoughts (from 2007)

This started as a poem, but there was so much on my mind I just was like "I'll just say it". So it's a mix of poem and inner thoughts.

God, what do you want of me?
so many opportunities to no longer be
yet still I breathe
confusion, hate, and bitterness surrounds me
but cannot touch me
as if He placed me at a high point
presented as an unattainable trophy to my enemies,
and cause them to turn their dagger on themselves,

so much perspective lost, so much on my mind
so much knowledge stolen,
and so much craft claimed by pseudo-innovators,
false in creation but true in presentation,

Did you know?(thanks J.R.)
there were pyramids made thousands of years ago in Africa,
created in perfect ratio to the constellation it's modelled
after, closest man-made construct facing true north (likely only
slightly-off now b/c of plate-tectonic shift since then),
but to this day man cannot reconstruct them with the same materials,

where did this knowledge of math and measurement go?
Lost on the ride between "Egypt" and Greece when Alexander the Thief raided Kemet's libraries? But ..Greece is the foundation of the sciences and such?

Anyone think about these things? Or moved to seek knowledge?'s like Kweli said
"it's 2007 and you still selling crack"

Yeah I was talking with some friends in my neighborhood...they spoke of the kid that got stomped out by a bunch of dudes, who's now blind, right beside my house. And the dude that got shot a few courts up the main drive...But this place isn't even that bad...just has its moments

But they wanna bring the gangs back now? Too young and they don't know nothing about gangs for real..could take them places where they wouldn't stand a chance.

What has their minds so trapped? There's so much more than Laurel Springs, Henrico County, Richmond, VA, even the U.S. The world is so much to learn and do

I bewilders my mind to think that we stem from such an intelligent line of people in the past, and the vast difference of it between then and now what happened to all that knowledge? ..May want to open your Bibles and find out..

Things have their own ways of coming full circle.
Then: Cain killed Able with a stone.
Now: 'cain' is killing the able people as rock (crack).

Even in all of this God and his people will come out victorious,
Jesus really only commands one thing, because everything else he spoke of stems from it. "Love one another as you would love yourself"

Charity (as expressed in the Bible), Love, God = the same thing

Replace the word "Love" with "God" in Musiq's song "Love". And the song doesn't change meaning. Rev. Mike told me that a while back.

Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up, (patient, kind, unselfish nor easily provoked, or boastful) (I still remember that talk Stacey)

So much on my mind...but God is good. Just be honest with him....I mean he knows the truth anyway, so be straight up with Him and specific, whether you're doing right or wrong.

Identify the good in life, be thankful, identify the bad in life, be thankful.

Ask God anything, he'll give you one of three answers: "Yes, No, or Wait" (Thanks Dad)

He loves us so much...he gave us something he didn't even give the angels: A choice to serve and love Him(now don't twist that the wrong way) and it's of the most challenging thing in the world for us to do.

Love, don't stop.
It's our closest means of connecting with Him.
The closest expression of this is a parent to child, then between spouses.

You never know where Love will show itself, so keep your heart open
Anything is possible in Him.
I just pray I fulfill His purpose for my life.
I'm loved beyond my wildest thoughts,
by people I know love me and those I don't know,
That's Crazy
And you are loved the same, so
I'll love beyond my wildest dreams,
so one day those dreams touch reality
and make life anew

God what do you want with me?
Make a positive impact on the lives of the people you meet.
Live and Love

Yeah ..a lot...that was the most of it.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Poem: A Resurrection

these days I look around me
a land of turmoil and
a need for leadership and face
and observation and obligation
and responsibility...
but these days many men obsess with
ovulation and fertility..
and paper, in a means..
my women in need of protection,
security, of real men
until then, some seek such through,
money and how to get it,
it's time for the next renaissance,
endurance and assurance, with
truth and love as the, ambiance,
so with this free-dumb-flow,
I bade we, ..awaken, command,
regain what was overtaken,
show your God proof of His work,
and worth, to you, and to her,
a resurrection in We, please,


Poem: The Venting

(Here's a more personal one)

Look, you did it to yourself why try involving me?
too sick to see the picture that you drew yourself,
diabetic cuz ya dreams too sweet but your mind is stale,
we go back, and yes i love ya, but you know it's not for us to be,
i knew it, you cheated, so bad ya mom's regretted,
but i let it.. go, as I did you,
but when ya cuz passed WHO helped you get there?
didn't talk for damn near a year,
but two weeks before you get married you blow up my phone,
I'll attest it to fear, but fear of what? losin me?
you had me talk to him on the phone when I helped out monetarily,
YOU were the one gettin married, and no I ain't want you,
now you want me pseudo back in ya life, i fight the urge to call you trife,
cuz we go so far back,
i love ya fam, and our sisters are the best of friends,
but you crazy as hell, rush a dude to take ya hand,
and he was hella tight, ya'll got in fights,
you told me once you got a lil hurt, but not his fault that night,
i'm half across the continent, ready to blank out of conciousness,
grab the bow, make a call, drive, get t'desi, you know..make it messy,
but for all that in three months?
that's the only amount of time that's past?
makes me think, what kinda crazy shit wrong wit ya'll ass,
said you wanted to be married by 21, rushin no just thought flushin,
so ya young mans made ya dream come true,
but both ya'll are OVERLY strugglin, and barely supportin yourselves,
you livin with ya people till you get on ya feet
and that's fine, but gettin married in that same feat?
he younger than you in the same condition,
rely on time to win wars of attrition? GOT DAMN!
No that's not the way, you smarter than that, ..I hoped
but let's get to the real, i feel foolish
why do i put up with you, entertain ya problems,
help you keep your sanity, i don't want nothin from you,
or make a whole with you, but yet i'm here,
i'm your friend, a love unlust just want you to be ok,
cuz i know my spare attentiveness helps you from fallin deeper in that hole,
do i love my friends too much.., i can't stand to see 'em suffer,
even when it's self inflicted, but i'm fucked up too,
cuz obviously involvin my help I damn near martyr myself,
i wanted to dress this up a little nicer, give it proper lyricism,
but this taste is too raw in my mouth, i don't even want to chew it,
so i'll swallow my pride before i choke on my issues,
this won't get settled with water or pieces of tissue,
you think I miss you!? tellin me what YOU would do, if you were her, mine, at the time,
just let me know she had so much more sense than you, and no it didn't work out tho,
but behyabi will do just fine, but you? man i don't know,
but yo i got a clue, ..just a couple days ago.. you text me tho,
bout how you stressed and ya man want to disband,
but keep you as a cutty buddy which further confirmed he ain't a man,
ya'll MARRIED man! but he then he told ya how trife he could get,
i told you that shit was retarded and even laughable that he suggested it,
knocked me off my rhythm as a write freelancer, you tryna make it work?
you tryna raise the dead like a necromancer,
and this issue's kinda new to me, label me amateur cryin "fuck iambic pentameter"
so you tell me things before you tell ya moms, because you know what she gonna say,
and I'm thinkin, WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN!?
but let's cut deeper, clue'n me in on all ya whimpers,
i never get good news from you, but some how stayin in touch will make me want you?
trust me i know, he's gettin that divorce and you want me to come save you,
but not this way no, i've become keen to all your symptoms,
she gotta have somethin goin for herself, at least self respect, not just for me to play hero,
though you understand that part of me, I WON'T swan dive just to come up wit a minnow,
so that idea's out the window, swing for the fences,
i heard the opposite of love's not hate, but actually indifference,
and that's where I'm approachin, and even that's painful,
but i have to pull back cuz it's not just you,
any true friend of mine, all of this I would go through,
the difference is with this one, i'm just being used,
so this friendship has been abused, i don't focus all my time on you,
just one of my pages in my book of friends that a flipped page is past due,
but i just got text.. damn's you..


Poem: Stagnant

(Never finished it.. but I don't think I really can.. and it may be the point of the title as well as the content..)

I'm reluctant to push because I've forgot what progress is like,
getting overly complacent like my life's on strike,
I'm tired of not moving, but too exhausted to move, drained mentally,
no stimulation no getting a groove,
I remember around 7 pm, I'm off work like "don't rob, it's money",
but I have no job, I'm settling, I tried to start a session,
but by 1928 it was the great depression,
in awe of nothing sadly vested in mental deception,
the perception tested in debt to things I don't see,
as if the obvious is too easy, but even that is getting the better of me,
I try to fight through readers, writing love letters,
anything to spark momentum out of this venom
that makes me feel victim to this stagnant rhythm,
so I get bored, nothing's satisfactory, the fact
we hate on events we didn't procreate, complain there's nothin to do,
but don't participate,
I demonstrate a fate we've all succumb to,
a halted walkthrough..

..and that was all i got to


Poem: Katrina, Katrina

In reverence of my residence,
a leveed pain, added procrastination mentality in vain,
unearthed confirmation and only took one weak chain,
A strength leveed on trust, willpower, and legacy,
a storm of truth exposed eyes and of these strengths,
trust was broken, giving way to flooding confusion.

Murky, confusion surrounds me knee high,
something with a face below the surface of this murk grazes my leg,
wishing company, confirming my abandonment,
the foundation of trust I thought I had realized a bowl
of ignorance being flooded by consequence that,
outside this bowl, sits higher than the ground I stand on,
and once the consequential confusion tipped the rim,
I felt as if sinking being consumed in the trap of my ignorance,
"FEMA will come".
The last of me I hold high towards God as His direction
alone guides me to where I do not know,
the water runs fast, He says walk slow.

Katrina, Katrina
Where do I live, when I have no home,
I have land to walk, but not my own, borrowed,
like our time, Katrina let me know the government knew for years,
the danger posed in the lower sole of the boot worn and thrown away.

So now them Saints are sitting,
battered, from being slapped sober,
and Bush got them feeling Jewish 'cuz they've been passed over,
their rights of passage denied obliged to the will to eat,
no relief in sight, but my family gotta eat,
there's a grocery store up the street,
and no business is there, I'm going
to take this chance to 'loot' it clean.
Yes, that's what the tone of my skin wants to do, loot,
I hope our lighter-skinned brethren are able to FIND
the kind of things I plan to LOOT, wait,
who's that with that camera? He going to help me
with that crew behind him?
Hrm, guess not.

Katrina, Katrina
Where do I live, when I have no home,
I have land to walk, but not my own, borrowed,
like our time, Katrina let me know the government knew for years,
the danger posed in the lower sole of the boot worn and thrown away,

I didn't understand what took so long,
it's been three or four days now,
looked down at some floating debris, it said,
"Andrew returned" on a damaged sign next to some tainted fruits,
The apple doesn't fall far folks.


Poem: Paid In Full

Looking inside for the truth
I feel so much history around me,
current events and the pasts that affect them,
people with questions to problems like "Why me? Why now?",
I thought to say "Better than never.",
because could be a never,
with that said never wish for it, good or bad,
so at the end of the day really you can only be thankful,
appreciative or not, Time will stay faithful,
and pay you in full,
circles of emotions, cycles of life,
seasons of change, constantly in motion
such promise in movement, yet we'll idle in strife's chains,
or any similar form of infatuation,
that we fall in love with and further enhance our own inner complications,

Embracing the pain that we hate by default,
and your days stay full of gloom and gray,
life seems like a stack of needles,
and you're just looking for hay,
torn between purpose and the present,
and will the will that you walk overlap,
so worried of wrong steps traveled,
while trying to get out of the dark,
all the while the devil seems to quicken his stalk,
when really, you slowed down too busy looking at him,
than looking ahead,
when that was guaranteed to give you the win,
so luring to focus on distraction,
that's why it's a distraction, should it prevail
the original end goal is lost, slighted,
but this is just the hindsight talking,
when I learned it was midnight,
the gospel said not to wait that long
and like that psalm, He gets the glory
Lord forgive me in your rites I know I've wronged

Even with a mind sometimes focused on Him,
You sometimes feel all alone,
like you're 'cuffed in a tomb,
as if taken from the world quite sudden and too soon,
will i live to eat that cake with the bride and the groom?
only way to know is to stay tuned,
you can't give up,
determination's the key,
and in the darkest of times,
know the Lord is closest then,
so relax and take a deep breath,
because blessings come in many channels,
so much so that even a death in the life,
can save a life from the death,
the beauty in knowing that every struggle is food for the grow,
so it's a benefit to reap what you sow,
and if your field needs work like pruning, watering, or removal of weeds,
don't forget after the work is done you can plant new seeds,
your world is never closed in, work your world,
the heirs of the earth are meek,
in other words, people that have been broken and made whole again,
remember all that strife and all that pain?
those tribulations weren't in vain,
The Lord is faithful, and will pay you in full.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009

The Beginning

Hello there,

This is the start of my new blog: The Digital Conscience..

Within this blog you will come across the things residing in the confines of my mind uploaded here. Due to this, you will find trouble finding a central subject matter. Just ride wit me post by post lol.

Probably the most reoccurring theme to come across this blog will be poems and hip hop, but be up for anything.

Thanks for coming by, hope to see you again.


EDIT: I finally finished the layout for the blog, took longer than you may think. (I don't have photoshop) I'll probably post the lot of my poems/pseudo poems to kick off my blog. 2-3 poems a day so people can follow along. I just started this so no need to bury my work from the get-go lol. Enjoy.