Mindspill: Deterred to Move

it's said to be great is to be misunderstood..
..well I'm feeling pretty fucking incredible

this feeling, this falling from grace,
this void in my space, brings tears to my face,
what I know and what I feel are far too different,
the adequacy in my being waning as I take my
drive of shame back to my beginning,
all the while feeling to the point of knowledge,
I deserved it,
the age I am times the age I feel divided by
my attempts to keep my head up-from the sheer
embarrassment of my predicament plus,
the energy I put into just getting that far,
equals up to "a shame", the square root of shame
being..did I really do the best I could have?
would it have mattered?
Oh there's not many things comparing with the feeling of failure,
this pain can't be lost, a venom that must run it's course,
I ache!
my relationships feel different, displaced
as if she sees the shame I feel yet can't share, because I don't want to subject her to a man,
torn from his ambition because he doesn't yet quite understand Him,
my discontent reaches through my system,
taking seige of organ and muscle until they are sore and depressed,
as if placed in an event they weren't qualified to test,
so I fall back into my region of rest,
but internal unrest is stress-ful when you know you're the best,
so back at it I go, to brave to say no? Or just too scared to see things further unfold?
Motivated

-Nem