Monday, October 19, 2009

Mindspill: Deterred to Move

it's said to be great is to be misunderstood..
..well I'm feeling pretty fucking incredible

this feeling, this falling from grace,
this void in my space, brings tears to my face,
what I know and what I feel are far too different,
the adequacy in my being waning as I take my
drive of shame back to my beginning,
all the while feeling to the point of knowledge,
I deserved it,
the age I am times the age I feel divided by
my attempts to keep my head up-from the sheer
embarrassment of my predicament plus,
the energy I put into just getting that far,
equals up to "a shame", the square root of shame
being..did I really do the best I could have?
would it have mattered?
Oh there's not many things comparing with the feeling of failure,
this pain can't be lost, a venom that must run it's course,
I ache!
my relationships feel different, displaced
as if she sees the shame I feel yet can't share, because I don't want to subject her to a man,
torn from his ambition because he doesn't yet quite understand Him,
my discontent reaches through my system,
taking seige of organ and muscle until they are sore and depressed,
as if placed in an event they weren't qualified to test,
so I fall back into my region of rest,
but internal unrest is stress-ful when you know you're the best,
so back at it I go, to brave to say no? Or just too scared to see things further unfold?


Mindspill: Humble's Torture - Self

*I'm very critical of myself*

in the dark recesses of the mind
the thoughts you can't help and all wrong in design,
criminal, ill-spiritual, proportions near biblical,
the daily battle for what qualifies as sane,
Socially Acceptable Normally Eclectic,
Prosthetic, but it has its uses,
the sanctified mace of the good fight, swings for justice?
or just us, maybe one in the same,
or dies that determine who's purpose I actively work to attain,
and by who's standard am I judged? Trick question
how fake am I and truth I am is,
the truth hurts, but to be honest with yourself?
Mellow or apathetic, the reason I have to "get it"
why or what this pride, the anger it spawns, the dissatisfaction,
what standard does pride hold me to? How does it measure me,
projecting my trick as a mirror image, opposite but obvious
did I learn to flip it back so that I envision it right?
I find ways to close my world because then I can measure it,
I'm supposed to fight that, is that why I leave?
in hopes of being humbled I never grow too conceited,
to find newer opposition I can sink my teeth in?
scared to become full of myself, but I am... ish,
denounced for such prominence, preferring fair over dominance
but look at and past the world thinking should I change
I'm already full of myself to me, so to others that I refuse to convey
it's not that my will is feeble, it's just inner conflict never leaves you,
like it knows better ...or of it


Mindspill: Priority

*Subject matter is the same for the poem "The Venting". (Old) Was still addressing my frustration in the situation*

Some women I just don't understand, you
married man, how you find so much time to talk to me,
especially at night, I don't fall for them traps,
I don't go far at all, like I'm say "be with me",
I don't want you, and I don't fuck wit marriage at all,
if you only got wit dude cuz you figured we wouldn't be,
that's stupid, cuz you've reached out to me more since you got married than ever before,
8 months of nothing, to at least 15 text a week, and of course
the latter of those is when you sportin a ring, and when the fam's in need
you call me, and that's fine, but when we speak on family or money,
why I gotta tell you ya husband is top priority?

Mindspill: Prelude to Memories

*pure spill, after this I started recording my memories from as far back as I could, those memories aren't in this post because it's very ..very long, and only up to age 7. Not near as old as the others, maybe a year or so ago*

vibin out to JS III,
stuck between my mind and my heart,
between being responsible to potential and being true to my feelings,
if i follow my heart, great happiness will come, but I know there's a pain to come..
that would perhaps challenge the worth of making that decision in the first place
if i am responsible, no real pain comes from it, not nearly as much joy,
but i will always wonder, but for the same reason that i may never see them again
and that hurts.

"sometimes people are put in your life for a season"
that doesn't necessarily mean that they weren't worth their time there in the first place
even good experiences can be there for a season, perhaps to remind you there's still good in the world,
or let you know that better is out there, and possible to attain

I say "thank you Lord" everytime I see 333.


(Doubt I'll post the memories anytime soon but I'll prolly put them together then put it out)

Mindspill: Deep Rooted

*Another recovered joint thats quite old. Seems I was dealing with myself in this one, very erratic ..definitely a mindspill, unfinished, and I didn't edit it at all*

inner anger
in my head
amidst my thoughts
deep rooted
my chest hurts
i cry on the inside
in this small frame thrives much chaos
and i know it, and i do my damn best to keep it controlled,
so i speak gently, i have quiet tendencies,
i'm afraid to see what would come of it if i were to just let go,
i remember being encouraged to let myself go, because it was who i truly was,
but i don't believe that's the case, i am who i am, and have been, for a long time,
from what i've seen in my time, the recklessness of uncontrolled actions,
mainly in negative forms, ends in death, period.
Notice I didn't necessarily say my own.
You'll see me, I'm laughing, mellow, pleasant,
and those emotions are true, i feel that way,
but there is a miasma of chaos that stirs within me,
so once confrontation presents itself, that miasma begins to "leak" out,
my eyes naturally show my pain, a melancholy, even in happiness,
hard to control, sometimes all i can do is weaken myself to control it,
it comes out in tears, shaking, very slow and concise speech,
having to find a means to meditate, and keep my mind calm,
music, the intricate sequence of sounds, spirits, and feeling, has done such,
because of it, i connect to it in less than normal ways, there can be the faintest sound within a song, that grasps my mind and pulls me with its rhythm,
a song can scream, cry, laugh, sing, in ways i cannot, but i can express myself in ways songs cannot, so i do both...
i feel most in myself when i sing, i have so much respect for those that do, to be able to release yourself in such a way, to be able to scream even, i love bjork,
i found my peace in music before i realized it was God's way of holding me, then in writing and singing, then finally in dancing

i'm timid yet tired of taming myself,


Mindspill: The Let Go

*An incomplete mindspill from years ago. I think this was during a breakup I had. I recovered some old joints off my old laptop that's been out of commission for like a year lol*

Moving on versus letting go,
seems there's a difference,
one can leave you slow and with your infactuation,
the other simply allows you to be able to move faster,
now which does what? i can give you a clue,
it only seems there's a difference, the two said can do both,
your infactuation can hold you back or slow you down,
and you can get nowhere fast,
but when the right balance of the two is made,
progress starts again at last

The point is growth,
dwelling in the past,
whether pleasant or not,
you're missing out on the present,
and in case you forgot
your present is where you are,
but you'll wonder how you got there if you dwelled too hard

growth isn't negative or positive,
its meaning in itself at least,
it is a part of life, but very impressionable upon one's effort,
you have a great deal of impact on how you grow,
and your surroundings impact it to a lesser extent,
always .....growing,

It spawns from the most fruitful to the most barren of places, and these "places" can be anything


(May expand on these at some point.. may not, just posting)

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Poem: Hazed Moonlight

Frustration with the belittle of the onward struggle,
an interference, intrusion of my inner peace bubble,
my vision for the ease of things that can easily be,
for the mission of doing the impossible on probability,
I spill out my mind just address words to note,
pad out my records just aloud for you to sing the quotes,
perhaps my tongue was too sharp when I spoke,
but the point was less involved than your mind's ballot vote,
it's not something to change, I don't want you to,
it's too small to strain, my angst varied upon is moot,
loosened and used, the weight is acute,
these words breach aura only in search of the truth,
mind you the point of micromanaging it's minute,
so sing for me like you already do, please don't be mute,
the woodwind's aligned, I'm just learning to play the flute,
So to the moon I look, and watch it play the strings of my vitals,
and I'll kiss the surface when I praise it's recitals..