Friday, August 21, 2009

Mindspill: Another of Thoughts (2007)

(These thoughts have poured in since about 4:30pm 7/5)

In my room, fresh out the shower, tv on, no signal ..just white noise
my day off, mind racing,
the thoughts floating in my head with aimless travel,
taunting me,
beckoning me to put them (well me) in order,
so frustrated that I couldn't focus, a vicious cycle,

Remix asked if I was prepared for rain
I was thinking am I afraid of pain
both questions answered in one word, No (at least not anymore).
And yes, there's a problem with that,

I wondered why things would fall apart,
the license, the car, the present future, the present past
trying to stay upbeat, cuz "I got time"
sweet sweet procrastination merged with my sense of content (honesty to self)
but Time has my body, and my body holds my mind,
I have the concept, but I'm late in making it into matter,
so even in my mind's infinite promise, there's still an expiration date

make me want you, make me miss you
make me wonder where you are, then forget you...
almost forgot who I was a few times,
coupled with so many inner struggles between His right and my will,
being human versus pursuing Him,
and I'm so human man!...God I am,
Your patience guides most my action because it is not mine alone,
even when my human thoughts and emotions selfishly disagree,
You still shield me from (human) me from others,

thank God I'm still me, thank You for keeping me, the prayer works,
and thank you (all) for impacting me,

my seasons have meshed and now are out of sequence, (appraisal of self)
the summer day gives free heat yet I'm in my winter phase,
i'm a tree with a few brown leaves in spring time.
i need to prune myself now, place some things in order,
some things need be cut off, denari to let go(thanks Curt) some things taken in,
decreasing, concentrating, centralizing, strengthening, solidifying,
making my growth more efficient to flourish in,

then ..that white noise channeled my thoughts
as I rest in my room the thoughts fall into place,
the rain came as asked, but I hadn't prepared my fields for good harvest on good faith,
thank God for letting me see, even if I missed the opportunity
but I keep track of the weather,
and I'll be able to smell the rain coming,
so next time I'll be ready


sometimes things fall apart to fall into place,
for your growth,
the purpose of the seasons is to strengthen and make new, to grow
each individual season has its special role,
to make new, to maintain, to decrease, to test vitality,
though some are prefered more than others,
they are all needed
and my actions (and lack of) have set me back,
but even that was needed for me,
growth is good,
but now I'm about efficiency.

"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction. For mine own sake, even for mine own sake, will I do it: for how should my name be polluted? and I will not give my glory unto another."

I hope to eventually be refined and chosen like that (it's a long while coming), but man this furnace is hot.

(damn..just finished, gotta be at work in 3 hrs, but I had to get this out of me)

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