Mindspill: Deep Rooted

*Another recovered joint thats quite old. Seems I was dealing with myself in this one, very erratic ..definitely a mindspill, unfinished, and I didn't edit it at all*

inner anger
in my head
amidst my thoughts
deep
deep rooted
my chest hurts
i cry on the inside
in this small frame thrives much chaos
and i know it, and i do my damn best to keep it controlled,
so i speak gently, i have quiet tendencies,
i'm afraid to see what would come of it if i were to just let go,
i remember being encouraged to let myself go, because it was who i truly was,
but i don't believe that's the case, i am who i am, and have been, for a long time,
from what i've seen in my time, the recklessness of uncontrolled actions,
mainly in negative forms, ends in death, period.
Notice I didn't necessarily say my own.
You'll see me, I'm laughing, mellow, pleasant,
and those emotions are true, i feel that way,
but there is a miasma of chaos that stirs within me,
so once confrontation presents itself, that miasma begins to "leak" out,
my eyes naturally show my pain, a melancholy, even in happiness,
hard to control, sometimes all i can do is weaken myself to control it,
it comes out in tears, shaking, very slow and concise speech,
having to find a means to meditate, and keep my mind calm,
music, the intricate sequence of sounds, spirits, and feeling, has done such,
because of it, i connect to it in less than normal ways, there can be the faintest sound within a song, that grasps my mind and pulls me with its rhythm,
a song can scream, cry, laugh, sing, in ways i cannot, but i can express myself in ways songs cannot, so i do both...
i feel most in myself when i sing, i have so much respect for those that do, to be able to release yourself in such a way, to be able to scream even, i love bjork,
i found my peace in music before i realized it was God's way of holding me, then in writing and singing, then finally in dancing


i'm timid yet tired of taming myself,

-Nem