Soooo apparently I left my TV on overnight and in the morning there was an episode of Avatar (the one where he learns about controlling chakras) and it mixed in with whatever my dream was about.
So, while in the back of mind I was learning to control chakras (lol), I was part of this group of missionaries that carried out infiltrations of some oppressor/aggressor group. Part of the process of completing our missions dealt with navigating their bunker system, and that blueprint was mostly the same for each one. My purpose was strange but simple, infiltrate down to a certain level of the bunker, then be incapacitated (killed) by my partner. For whatever reason I had the ability to survive normally life ending wounds (I guess I learned to control the life chakra, and keep in mind I know how ridiculous this is lol) and that what she (partner was female) would do to "kill" me is slit my throat with a large blade. I think she acted as a bunker soldier and would convince the defenders that the threat was eliminated, whereas later we would escape with our mission complete and I would revive later.
In the last mission (before waking up) my partner and I got to the same place in which she would turn the blade on me, but for some reason she couldn't do it this time. It was like she couldn't stand killing me, she'd even swing but miss, or just stop short of my throat. Since she couldn't do it, she just went forward in the planned route of the mission, something went awry.. a soldier was in a position we were not briefed or prepared for them to be and she was shot down.. and somehow in that crossfire I got shot in the hand, ..and woke up.
Please understand that there is absolutely nothing wrong with learning more about any culture, especially when learning about yourself in the process. Learning is always a good thing, but putting other people down (or holding yourself above others) just because you learned something is counter-effective to anything you try and preach to others. I'm actually writing this portion after my rant, just to clarify my intentions. Enjoy.
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I see this type of thing all the time. "Where are the beautiful Black queens at? Who aren't ashamed of themselves and trying to look like the white man?" These men who act like they won't even bat an eye at a chick unless she has natural hair. You know, the same men who think yelling "AFRICA!" and "aahh! the Motherland!" EOTW style between every three sentences makes them pro-black. Well personally, I'm about sick of your holier(read:"Blacker")-than-thou persona because NONE of you are about that life. I'm already aware my frustration will likely cloud my ability to fully air out my thoughts but I don't care.
So let me get this straight, because a chick wants to perm HER hair, or speak with a tone lacking of deep dialect from the standard U.S. English language she's unfit to be called a Black queen ?_? Because she doesn't quite "act Black" in a way you think is correct she's trying to tap dance for "the White man"? How the fuck do you ACT Black!? You're no better than the next guy who slanders dark-skin Black women and loves light-skin Black women. Your ignorance is NO different.
But since you're so convinced that you want to go back to Africa after reading one and a half books about African culture (and the place you THINK you hold in it), let's break some (not all) shit down: 1) Africa don't fuck with you like that, 2) You worried about some hair.. ..how about the difference between "Sista girl" and an African woman 3) All you've probably managed to do since coming into this "knowledge" about Motherland culture is be single and mentally abuse women.
Let's begin.
1) Africa don't fuck with you like that!
Ever since you became an African scholar you've determined that "true" life would be much greater back in Africa, where people value the true worth of each other (especially you) in the land of "our" origin.
WRONG!
It's hilarious that you're that arrogant as to assume it's all good if you went back to Africa. Who's going to take you in and truly accept you? You'd want them to accept you for who you are right? Oh. ....By the way they are African just by breathing, they are their culture.. you are not, no matter how much you "studied" about civilizations that don't exist anymore. You're no different than Sigourney Weaver trying to become a part of the Avatars. YOU'RE AN OUTSIDER. You're American dude, regardless of your shame in that fact. Whether you are eventually accepted isn't the point.
2) You worried bout some hair.. ..how about the difference between "Sista girl" and an African woman?
(I'm well aware there are African women all over the globe, in this post my reference to them imply African women who have not left their country/native continent)
Before we dive to any form of depth into this point, know that a hairstyle is the CHOICE of the woman! It's HER HAIR! She controls it and you shouldn't insinuate what kind of woman she is beyond the point of whether or not it's clean. How shallow can you be to judge her worth to your fucking race just by how she dresses up her hair? But you think you deserve a woman of perceived high cultural density and implied elegance? And that your preference actually correlates with that logic? FOH!!!!!
An even more hilarious notion is that you probably think African women are all just chillin across the water in Africa with a bunch of Erykah Badu/Jill Scott (American btw) "Sista girl" personalities ripe for the pickings waiting on YOU to come across their life. Bitch! Half of em probably don't even know what Neo-soul is! They never experienced the Black Panther party (nor have you), and likely never heard of half of >America's< Black civil rights activists!
"Hey! You in the Free Mumia Tee!..WHAT ARE YOU EXPECTING FROM THESE WOMEN???"
Many African women (and women in general) have been raised to be proper as possible as to be culturally presentable women and to be obedient to the laws of their cultures and religion. Half of that last sentence is what you despise these "non-applicable" Black women here for right now! African women often don't get the opportunity to express themselves too far outside of what their culture (that you like so much) allows, oft more restrictive than the US. Maybe that's why you think you really want one, better chance to control a woman that you cannot in the States? BUT! You likely lack the solidarity and standards that an African woman has been raised to expect from anyone meant to be her husband. So in all your efforts of seeking "what's real", you're lost yet again hopefully realizing YOU aren't "real enough". A non-self-righteous Black woman isn't worth your time, but you aren't qualified to lead her or anyone else anyway.
"Sista girl" is a personality.. NOT a woman! You "shea butter only" fools just want a personality type, don't try to justify your watered-down shallow understanding of yourselves by acting as if you're seeking to restore/preserve African components of Black culture. The most we take from African culture are some of its looks and health lessons, but they were inherited/incorporated into Black American culture. The general attitude of a "Sista" doesn't hold any backing of pure African culture, but pays more homage to Black American culture than anything African.
3) All you've probably managed to do since coming into this "knowledge" about Motherland culture is be single and mentally abuse your Black women for you being such.
Ever since you learned Egypt's true name was Kemet, you've been lording your preferences as to what constitutes a "real Black woman" in according to your ideal of African culture to your general public such as Facebook/Twitter, though you probably still have a Black Planet account in the name of Blackness. What makes you retarded is that in the same instance of doing this, you also take the time to slander any woman who doesn't fit that mold, then cry about going to Africa to find a real woman. Did you forget your Black female friends have to witness this all the fucking time and for any of them that don't fit what you market, but sadly value your friendship, it genuinely bothers them? They're thinking "Wow.. is this what you really think of me?" Have you figured out you're a douche yet? According to your logic what do you think of your mother? You just sound more ashamed of your core being than of anyone else.
Why are you so obsessed with claiming African ties? Personally I prefer checking "Black" on any race self-determinant application. Black has a connection to me that African does not. I don't know my roots to Africa, and I'm not about to act like I do. If everyone's origin is Africa one way or another, why are you making such a big deal about it anyway? It's not going to bring back the burned Libraries of Alexandria, or the bridges you're burning in the Black community. There are blonde haired, blue-eyed white people more African than you! Stop it. You'll forget these "deep" principles you've learned for yourself over the course of 2 months in 2 years anyway and I pray you fall in love with a white woman (no offense white women) to fully realize the contradiction you are really living (because love is from the inside, and race/style indiscriminate)
You don't know shit about Africa for real just like the next man but trying to play the part, but you resent who you actually are everyday and take it out on our women. Get that bitch up out your system. We have enough male to female relationship issues in our community to act like that.
My apologies to those who were following my posts at one point. I apparently lost my posting pleasure through the microblogging site Twitter. Since this blog has died down I may well be able to post more internal thoughts that will have time to stew before anyone coming across them and insta-reacting. Well much has happened to me professionally and personally, but that's not here or there. I will return to posting, most will be transports of Twitter posts to here, summarizing "rants". Perhaps even poems if the inspiration comes forth.
So.. if you follow me on twitter, I was up at ridiculous hours (like 6am), tired, thirsty, and too lazy to get out of my bed. While Tom & Jerry were playing their usual cat & mouse games I was just flooded with reflective thoughts and ideas (as I usually do) and tweeted them into my timeline. These thoughts pertained to some of the fabric of a man, as well as the best interests of people in general. Protection being the main theme.
"Protect yourself. Protect what you love. Protect your dependents. They attest to, protect, your honor."
One can protect a way of life's ideal simply by staying true to it. -You protect your marriage simply by remaining faithful and satisfying the needs of your wife. Another ex. One who lives out their spirituality's ideal in uplifting manner can combat the staining of its identity from corrupted practitioners, i.e. Regular guy vs Bishop Eddie Long
Having/being your own filter will make you slow to speak, and thus more aware to avoid unnecessary consequences. Protect yourself.
The more our world becomes isolated yet connected, the less accountable people are with their restraint. Twitter is a great example of this. While it may seem without consequence to act in any manner, the habit of wanton provocation can only spread into your personal/real life lives, where there is no veiled curtain to hide behind and the "It's just Twitter" mindset will catch up to you.
"If a man consciously intrudes the honor of another man, no matter how subtle, he invites conflict and should be prepared to defend himself."
So I guess if you don't understand this your first question should be "what is the honor of a man?". Ask one you know for their answer. For me, anything I have a pride for I consider my honor. My God, My Family, My woman, my lifestyle, my work, and my mind. If you choose to willingly trample upon my role as a man in any of those in disrespect, I care not for your reason and it would be foolish to think doing so is without consequence. -Pride is a dangerous thing and one all people struggle with (at least those that attempt to tame it) but the less vanity contained in principles of one's honor, the deeper the value he assigns to them. For me 3 of my 6 circles of honor are more vain by nature (the last 3), and that is a weakness still being worked on, so tread lightly.
"Control/be conscious of your impulses. The flesh very rarely pursues your best interests."
I associate the biblical term "the flesh" with the term "impulse" in this case. I do not know about you, but most impulses I get are not good for me. Whether it's attraction to a female, potentially doing bodily harm lol, or outright dangerous, confrontational impulses. -At one hand be conscious of your impulses, some of them you can figure out why and guard yourself. -Controlling impulses are hard, but simply acting as the gatekeeper and not allowing their escape has worked best for me.
Some would argue that when I say 'the flesh' "rarely" pursues your best interest would be best replaced with "never". I don't believe that's the case. In biblical term, simply being born (since we do so into flesh) we're screwed from the jump. I take that term to mean born to impulses as well as actual flesh and while inherently imperfect, flesh has a few attributes that we require. -The flesh is self healing and when I mix my two ideals of flesh, I determine that the flesh is consumed with two main things: Action on impulse and surviving (since it survives due to impulse). In most situations we want to survive, the flesh is natural at assisting this 'need'. Though there does come times when "surviving" may corrupt the spiritual criterion of a man. Forsaking the family you are supposed to protect just to "survive" (live comfortably or actually stay alive) is an example.
"Some feed on a display of vulnerability. Only two kinds of people will see you: Sympathizers and predators. Protect yourself vs both."
If you are without watchers (alone) and see a defenseless and weakened animal, you will do one of two things. You will help it(some sympathizers, some predators [see a good predator]), or you will harm it more(other sympathizers and predators). In either means, you do so to satisfy your personal spiritual requirements (a sympathizer may feel guilty if they ignored, thus helps) and/or your impulses (as said before, impulses are >usually< not beneficial..see a bad sympathizer"). While sympathizers want to help you, predators see your present state as an opportunity gain from you. Whether that gain is to physically harm you or gain your dependence is up to the predator. Often times a predator will come in the form of a sympathizer. I know the next thought in your head is "what about people that don't care".. simple.. they don't see them. And there's a difference between "apathy" and not intervening. Ask me my thoughts on beggars sometime. --a bad sympathizer... this person may impulsively take pity on your situation and want to "help" you, however you take this pity as insult and thus it does not help you, the sympathizer extending his hand satisfies their illusions of being a good person [this doesn't help them] when in fact they trampled upon your honor to your sense of self, no one benefited) --a good predator... usually love stories involve a good predator, they see you when you're down, get close to you, fall for you, all the while building you back up, share aspects of their lives, you establish a dependence on them (ex. their presence make you happy), you two fall in love, get married and make happy babies.
All that to say, that we all have a mix of both, in their positive and negative lights. This is also the reason you should protect yourself from both because it's simply hard to read the intentions of others at first.
"Protect your dependents. Life is about service and when choosing lives to be responsible for their welfare, you elect them your judges."
This is pretty simple, if you choose to be responsible for the welfare of others, forcing their dependence on you (ex. having kids) gives them a divine right to judge you. Should God read back to you your doings, the largest print in your book will be your service to those who needed you, and ESPECIALLY those you chose to need you (because those things are most like God).
And lastly "Protect what you love. It will be your strongest testimony before God."
I believe it, more to that point I believe in it and in you. I'm no closer to perfect than anyone else too. I'll do all I can to keep you. I never seek to hurt your feelings or betray your trust, It is very special to me, as your heart is. I will protect you and always have your best interests in mind. I will make you my world, to cultivate and take care of and you will make the world over with your fruits. God is our foundation and we will build on it. I will always keep an open mind and ear to your counsel. I treasure your mind, so your opinions are invaluable. I will support you. I will lead you, and we will learn from each other. Our differences help me tell us apart. It reminds me that I'm not alone. I love your differences as much as our similarities. I will blanket you in love. and God will be our tent. I love you, every part of you.
Hey people, I know it's been a minute, been real busy with my new job and stuff, but I was on facebook replying to a friend's status about if men could love as intensely as women and it drew out all of this from my brain.
Love is a verb.. action, intensity is a measure of focus.. an adjective usually emotion based in a situation like this. I think when you try to pair the two in the idea of a woman loving the man more than they give back (and that that's a measure of love) is a flawed idea.
Love isn't an emotion, and I don't think real love has different levels so you can't intensify the action (it's unconditional). Men tend to be less emotional than women, this drives women nuts when in love because they are assured he doesn't feel as strongly in love.. when in reality that shouldn't even apply to love in and of itself. Also, on the other hand, when a man is visibly and emotionally invested in a deep form he often ends up disregarded by the center of his affection and labeled too feminine (irony?).
A relationship requires more than love, it requires emotion and it's intensity as well as respect, understanding, and attraction. In this case, men tend to not be as emotional, again making women feel that way. Obviously, not all men are mature enough to handle their emotions or impulses (lust, yes all men and women have this impulse attraction to others at some point or another, we're built that way.. born into sin [lust is a sin]) and that causes failures of relationships (NOT love, abuses love though) usually resulting in scorned partners.
Why do you think you can love those you aren't attracted to? Or even lost relationships (regardless of how they are lost)? Your children can grow up to be cold blooded murderers, but you will love them even in your most vast of disappointment, because it's unconditional given the bonds established. Love can't be intensified, it's simply done/existent/given(action) due to the bonds formed for the action to take place. Your ability to love comes from God Himself, the good and wicked are loved equally, even His discipline is done out of love. His justice is done out of love.
I think Love is one of the most misunderstood concepts in humanity, to the point that we actually try to state that we are "in love".. we make love a noun and wrongly associate attributes to it for that form. It is still action, you are in action(movement) emotionally (In love intensely). I think only God has the ability to make action a person place or thing (refer back to "we make love a noun..". This is why God is Love (noun and verb and everything else), and an inherit lacking of ability from Man. Which is why at best we can only be Christ-like, but that's edging into a whole 'nother point.
This is more of a personal post, and not of my usual poems/mindspills.
"Life's gettin colder I'm revealing the smirk..."
This is a quote from the song "Love It Here" by rapper Elzhi that has been sticking with me lately. Things are making a turn for more good in my life. I'm finally employed and the moves I've made have born fruit.. but there's just something ..in the air that is just wrong. I've been having strange dreams too.. for example I had a dream of being in a tropical coast like Florida enjoying my time.. and I look up and there's a huge tidal wave coming towards me and other random people in the water. The dream goes further but to address the point a few days later that Chile earthquake hit, the one that caused tsunamis for assorted countries.
I've been having a lot of dreams involving water and strange looking cities. I also feel like my heart about things is changing. I tweeted a couple days ago "What if what you grow to become (or not become)would determine the fate of the world. ..I'm going to be better for you." I know I'm not done growing as a person but this was bothering me because some of the things I feel I know best are changing their value (decreasing) in my heart. As pansy-fied as that sounds it's the best way I can explain it.. I do feel my current experiences are influencing that. It may be a temporary thing and one I would rather not go further speaking on. I feel as if becoming numb to things. Maybe my "self" is doing this in a means to cope and retain patience in life.
Something else that I've been fighting with for a long while now is this inner sense of cynicism past that of critical appraisal or humor. It's a little scary to speak on because I truly feel it is an evil within me that I've been fighting with. I find myself having slight expressions of delight when events that shouldn't cause such happen. Frankly it's alarming, and I know it's wrong.. something I've been fighting for many years... seems it has finally come to a point where I actually need to speak on it to help fight it. Those that know me know this is quite the opposite of who I am, or at least of who I'm perceived as. This relates to that tweet I spoke of earlier because I feel like if I succumb to whatever that is it will be very negative for those in my immediate vicinity.. friends & family... my world.
I know I have something important to do, though I do not know if it is accomplished through my life or death. That's something else I think on a lot more than normal, but that's another post in itself. I'll just continue to pray that God develops me in purpose and shields me and my world.
A rather dark post from me I know, but it felt right to speak on.
I joke, I write, I love, I think. I'm a nerd and love hip hop but far from that hipster stuff. I enjoy humor and people in general, though I often keep to myself.
A more introverted look:
I believe in the good in people, or at least want to. I hope to help people understand that we're taught to be unique/independent, but by our own nature we need each other and will, at some point, have no other option but to come together for a higher goal in everyone's interest. (This could be a blog post huh lol)
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