Thursday, March 11, 2010

A Darker Piece of Me

This is more of a personal post, and not of my usual poems/mindspills.

"Life's gettin colder I'm revealing the smirk..."

This is a quote from the song "Love It Here" by rapper Elzhi that has been sticking with me lately. Things are making a turn for more good in my life. I'm finally employed and the moves I've made have born fruit.. but there's just something the air that is just wrong. I've been having strange dreams too.. for example I had a dream of being in a tropical coast like Florida enjoying my time.. and I look up and there's a huge tidal wave coming towards me and other random people in the water. The dream goes further but to address the point a few days later that Chile earthquake hit, the one that caused tsunamis for assorted countries.

I've been having a lot of dreams involving water and strange looking cities. I also feel like my heart about things is changing. I tweeted a couple days ago "What if what you grow to become (or not become)would determine the fate of the world. ..I'm going to be better for you." I know I'm not done growing as a person but this was bothering me because some of the things I feel I know best are changing their value (decreasing) in my heart. As pansy-fied as that sounds it's the best way I can explain it.. I do feel my current experiences are influencing that. It may be a temporary thing and one I would rather not go further speaking on. I feel as if becoming numb to things. Maybe my "self" is doing this in a means to cope and retain patience in life.

Something else that I've been fighting with for a long while now is this inner sense of cynicism past that of critical appraisal or humor. It's a little scary to speak on because I truly feel it is an evil within me that I've been fighting with. I find myself having slight expressions of delight when events that shouldn't cause such happen. Frankly it's alarming, and I know it's wrong.. something I've been fighting for many years... seems it has finally come to a point where I actually need to speak on it to help fight it. Those that know me know this is quite the opposite of who I am, or at least of who I'm perceived as. This relates to that tweet I spoke of earlier because I feel like if I succumb to whatever that is it will be very negative for those in my immediate vicinity.. friends & family... my world.

I know I have something important to do, though I do not know if it is accomplished through my life or death. That's something else I think on a lot more than normal, but that's another post in itself. I'll just continue to pray that God develops me in purpose and shields me and my world.

A rather dark post from me I know, but it felt right to speak on.


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